When my Dad hit my Mom

It didnt feel different

to the million memories before that

We just didn’t know what to say, and thought my mom deserved it

and thats the mentality that we were forced to have.

My mom did everything in my family, growing up in Ranui, my dad worked different factories and my mom worked for bit too, until my dad got jeolous because my mom worked with other men.

He was insecure, but we were told by aunties, uncles etc, that no, your dad was just a jeolous old fashioned Samoan man.

Sometimes, my dad would just snap and punch my mom while were driving to school, theres 6 kids, and I am the eldest. I got to see more than my brothers and sisters, and for that I’m greatful.

He would work from Monday to Friday in his factory job, and when he finished up on Friday, we had to get ready for the swearing and the part 2 of my dad’s personality.

He gathered us around and asked each one of us, about why we didn’t do something – nothing big or important, but I got punched in the face for not doing the dishes on Tuesday night at 8:30pm – yeah. it was calculated. Sometimes I thought, wow – he must memorize time and dates during the week to have a reason to give us a hiding.

I was a good kid, I did all my school work and I remembered all my lines at white sunday and yet, it was somewhat forced, because if I didn’t then, I’d know what my dad memorized in his “When I get drunk list”.

When we moved to Australia for a “better life” things didn’t really change, he had cut down on drinking, and so there were times when we had happy memories, but the memory of NZ was still fresh for me, I acted and played the fake happy family, until the next time I got a hiding.

My mom got it the worst, and it’s the reason why I still hate my dad til this day. Picking up your mothers hair that had been ripped out, or wiping your mothers blood off the wall, and being scared to do so just in case it was another reason to get a hiding.

They weren’t your usual tap on the head type of hidings, we got the I.C.U type, I had spent most of my 7th and 8th year of High School in the hospital, and even when I had a broken leg, that didn’t excuse me from getting a hiding.

Remember, this was just Friday & Saturday.

The other days, we just didn’t see him – and they were my favourite days of the week.

I asked my mom a few times, why she still stayed with him, and she told me it was because of us, it was because on my brothers and sisters and that she didn’t want us raised with no father.

Its a pity, because the poor excuse of a father that we did get, didn’t really do anything to be excited about or to strive to become.

My mom was then diagnosed with cancer in 2000, she had just finished teaching me how to drive, because my dad didn’t want to. She had been to every single school function, school interview, school play, school anything – without my father, and during this time while she had medical appointments, my father was nowhere to be found. He thought it was a joke. He thought that doctor’s can fix everything from broken bones, busted lips, to cancer.

My mom’s second round of treatments and chemo, she had relied on her kids to drive her to the hospital, and I did it with no hesistation, my father, still stayed the same. After my mother had both her left and right breast surgically removed, she had to wear the protective wrapping and bandages as her skin healed, and when my dad hit my mom during that time. Thats when I decided, I had no father.

I did something that I’m not proud of, and will never regret. I gave my father a hiding – for my brothers and sisters, for my mother and for myself.

His sisters (my Aunties) on my dad side have since been saying that I’m going to hell because I should never hit my parents.

But thats O.k, because my biological father, was just that – he just donated the sperm, my real father, was my mom.. she did everything.

I have forgiven my father, and I really don’t care if he doesn’t forgive me (I don’t see him anymore and if I did, I wouldn’t hesistate to smash him again if he ever pissed me off)

I miss my mom, now that she’s gone. Her strength and courage to do everything for us (her children) will be remembered, the life that we had wasn’t a Brady Bunch, but my dad did teach us one thing.

Never Strive to be like your father.

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The constant ramble of a Melbournian in Samoa.

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64 thoughts on “When my Dad hit my Mom

  1. Malo lava peeps http://www.areyouok.org.nz/ please check it out for resources and possible help re family violence or a ‘hiding’ as is was called growing up in aucks 5o’s and 60’s before I ran away.
    I am Sa and the face of this campaign to try an put an end to the high levels of family violence in NZ and our aiga’s an aiga potopoto

    All of us got a ‘hiding’ aea!

    In my growing up it was called ‘o au alofa mo oe’ ‘o au alofa ia oe’

    So that wen I was old enuf to undastand the igilisi and it was ‘love’ I got it tattooed on my hand and shared it with as many people as possible

    Cos this alofa came from le Atua or so it was bashed into me thinking that it came from God to Jesus to my grandfathers to my parents to me….my inhertitance

    Took this ‘love’ into my marriage and family until I got finally sought help thru the Stopping Violence program in 1992.
    This is where I picked up the tools and skills to understand that this was not love that all those that gave me a hiding, parents uncles and aunties that came to live with us from Samoa, school teachers, Sunday School teachers, Life Boys and Boys Brigade leaders, cultural violence etc they didn’t know any better.
    I came to understand that this cycle of violence was a curse not an inheritance and that I had to break the curse an not pass it on to the next generation.
    I believe that I have caught the curse in time and my children and grand children are free of the curse.

    Fa’amalosi Samoa home grown FV issues that needs homegrown answers.

    One of the answers is the Fa’afaletui-Stoppiing Violence Program that runs under the Pacific Island Safety and Prevention Project Inc(the Project) in west Auckland which run SV programs in the Samoan,Tongan, and English language.
    The Samoan program is run in the Samoan language 1 of 3 in NZ and maybe the world

    My role is to bring awareness of family violence to the perpetrators -- cos if there are….No perpetrators there be …No victims.

    SaSurvivors be champions for the cause, join the campaign from where ever you are in this world

    http://www.areyouok.org.nz/
    http://www.facebook.com/ItsNotOK
    http://www.youtube.com/user/FamilyViolence

    FAMILY VIOLENCE IS NOT OK
    ITS OK TO ASK FOR HELP

    …feel the hurt feel the pain…

    Sasouljah’s worldwide be safe from FV

    Ia manuia

  2. thank u for sharing your personal experience. No child should go through what you have experienced.

    I praise you for your strength and voice.

    May God continue to bless you in your endeavours.

    You need to write a book….lol

    jay πŸ™‚

  3. WOW -- your blog gave me goosebumps!! As someone said earlier, God is not a stupid GOD. If you hadn’t hit your dad, i’m sure one of your other siblings was thinking it too. You forgave your Dad which must’ve been hard, i just hope your dad has the courage to ask God to forgive him.

    I was fortunate to not have grown up in the same environment you did but it was all around me through other family members. I always laugh when i hear Samoans say “i hit you because i love you” -- it never made sense to me at all that you can have violence (hit) and love in the same sentence..i guess it’s the only excuse they can come up when trying to make sense of their fucked up ways…

    Love to you bro -- May God bless you!!

  4. Thank you Tautai! thats definately an inspiration -- there are points in your comment that I could relate with..

    not too sure about ‘victim’ -- i always take that as a personal choice -- in any situation in life, you can either choose to be a victim, or learn something out the experience.

    god is always putting us through obstacles, in relationships and in spiritual growth, so i definately hold on to the fact that this is not an infliction on me, personally, but an issue that my dad had to go through for his own betterment and for him to make his own choices.

    thank you again.

  5. Just couple reminders to everybody……do what you gotta do not only to save your parents but your sisters and brothers.

  6. I too grew up in that enviroment where my dad was an abusive father. Not only to us but to my mom the most. As a kid at a time I always wonder what set this man off and seems like he just went over the edge everytime he comes home drunk like a skunk. If the food wasn’t good enough..or..she forgot to wash his favorite jeans, may be she said something funny to him before he left for work for the day. Here’s the kicker…payday comes around, he goes to his favorite pool hall and Lord beholds that he lost so much money. So, we’re the ones at home that have to deal with his wrath. With all of my father’s abusive behavior, there lies a gentle giant. He’s a great fisherman who taught me all about fishing. A great chef who taught me the simple ways to cook any food and tastes like heaven. He’s not a church goer person so he stays home every Sunday to cook plus he can’t carry a note to save his soul. The day I left home for the Army was the first time I’ve ever seen this man cried and that’s when I knew he’s as emotional vulnerable just as us kids. My farewell words to him was…I begged him to not hit my mom and my brothers and sisters anymore. Plus I wanted him to go church…he sort of looked at me for a few secs with tears streaming down his cheeks and said he will. 5 years later when I went home on leave, my first loku afiafi at home, my dad was singing bass and I was amazed how he sounded. Plus he goes to to’ana’i at the faife’au home every Sunday and he quit drinking completely. The moral of this story is…regardless of how bad things seems to be endless, there’s that moment or an event that can be a cure to any abusive situation. My story may be not be that inspiring but sometimes it’ll take everyone involve in this type of situation to come with solution and an ultimatum to end this unexcuse behavior. My best to you all and your families and God bless U all who are victims.

  7. Uso, manuia lava mo le avanoa i le faitauina o lou tusiga.
    My man what can I say been there done that, no where near as bad or as rough as you.

    For what ever reasons you did what you did the bes thing is you shared what some of us only ever talk about to relations.

    heres hoping we all get the help & heart felt gestures that come with being able to share for no other reason than to help others.

    Alofaaga tele.

  8. ..!!

    “speechless”
    __
    your story really touched me..!!
    xO.-

    GOD bless you and your famz..!!

  9. thanks heaps leni! πŸ™‚ your comment (and everyone else’s comments) mean alot to me..

    writing this blog was one of the hardest things I’ve had to put to paper, and I think just being honest about it, is my way of dealing with it, I know that there are alot of samoans out there who have been through a LOT more than I have..

    my closest friends, have been through so many things that could’ve broken thier spirit -- and just because they don’t talk about it openly, I believe they are equally strong..

    I guess you really can’t judge anyone by the outside -- so i’m greatful for this chance to be open and sharing..

    one love.
    always.

  10. This post made me want to cry uce.. Like the others said you have been through alot in your life and im glad to see that you recognize what was wrong in the marriage.. I hope some of your father didnt rub off on you bro. I have to say that if it were my father i would try to kill him for doing that too my mom and having me watch that.. I feel angry just thinking about it. I wish the best for you and your family in the future uso and Pray that my daughter will never marry a man such as that.

    alofaz uso

  11. First of all, I want to thankyou for your courage in posting, YOUR story. You have survived an amazingly rough journey, and you dealt with it the only way you knew how. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe you are in any way a reflection of your dad, but I guess his violent antics towards your mother taught you how to deal with him, using your fathers very own violent skills, which you witnessed as well as being a victim of.
    For some however the cycle doesn’t end. I hope your story has hit home for some of your readers, and its funny that the quote you used β€œIf you think your going through shit, you need to realise there are plenty more worse off than you” ….I noticed some of the stories weren’t far off from yours.

    I guess Karma has a way of dealing with things…I always believe, what comes around goes around. Its sad that after all that, your dad hasn’t clicked!! But then I guess he knows no other way, or just chooses to be ignorant to it.

    I’m Happy that your in a better place today and so is your mum.

    May God Bless you and your siblings abundantly for your patience and perseverance.

    Kit

  12. your a brave brother to your sibling for you stood up for them. you have the courage and reason to do these things. your an idol for sibling brother.

    i hope you will keep doing things that you think it right πŸ™‚

  13. yOur a truueee hero for ur brothers and sisters . if ur mom were here she wOuld be so prOud of u darls .

    Hope awls well with you and ur famillyy .

    Much alOfas .

    =]

    XOX

  14. wow far that is sad aye…man i feel sorri for wat u went thru and yeah we all got the hidings but for someone to do that to their wife or mother of his kids thats a fukin coward…he deserved a hiding and much more tha aikae…but good on u from coming out better and stronger….

  15. WOW!

    Tops for having the courage to share something so personal bro and for sticking up for mum! May she rest in Love.

    thanks kilifi for sharing your story with us! that hit home man.

    xO

  16. Wow….you guys went through a lot. Your mum was a true soldier for everything she did for you guys -- she’s an angel. We all have our hardships, our struggles,- the fact you could forgive your father, shows a LOT about your character alone.

    Be blessed babe & keep sharing your story with others because it will hopefully open some eyes, and some hearts too..

    Bless you. xoxoxoxoxo

  17. Right on for that uso. Once a man hits a woman, he is no longer a man. Therefore, the day he hit ur mother was the day he was no longer ur father. But yeah glad u stepped up to the plate and battered up!

  18. hey thank you for sharing your story…i grew up watching my dad hit my mom but lucky me my dad never hit me..but i don’t really think my dad is an abusive man the only time he hits my mom is when they argue and my mom talk all kinds of smack about my dad and his family..i’m not saying my dad had the right to hit my mom but i’m trying to explain that he never hit my mom for no reason like other mans do and when my mom is right and his wrong he just sits there and take in all the crab but when shes wrong and shes still being a smart alleck and start calling my dads family names thats the only time he snaps but i always gotta jump in and save her..lol..my dads never even slapped me or anything my entire life….i am the only girl out of 7 kids and my brothers where the only ones who got a little something from my dad but thats only if they deserve it but sometimes its because of me.lol.he doesn’t allow any of them to hit me or anything else…lol.oh and my youngest brother is the other one that has never got a sasa from mah daddy…but my dad has changed alot..right now my parents are still together and my dad never hits my mom anymore he just walks away when my mom is talking smack about him..but every now and than when i don’t do what my dad says he’ll be like “vaai oe ouke le’i fasiga lava oe kalu ga e ola mai ae mafai a ga koe fasi oe ua e makua”…lol…sometimes my parents,brothers, and I sit on the table play cards and laugh about what happened when we were young and do jokes about it..right now we can laugh about it but it wasn’t funny than…i use to cry myself to sleep when i hear them argueing and fighting…they almost got divorced twice but the only reason they stayed together was because of me and my two youner brothers ones in 9th grade now and other in 5th grade…i’m glad they worked everything out…but i just hope it would’ve worked out for you…anyways take care..

  19. Hey Kilifi

    WOW…your story is a top hit brother i so feel your pain,

    My name is Lena and to tell you what im 20 years old when we were 8 years of age my Dad use to be like that as well i use to get the maddest beatings from my dad Especially my MUM she use to cop it all the time i have 5 brothers and im the only girl so maybe thats why me and my mum use to cop everything,…but now that im all grown up i learnt so much and my dad has changed just because he almost killed me after he gave me the maddest hiding i was in hopital for about almost 2 months….but hey even though that happend im so glad that my Dad learnt so much becuase now my Dad has changed and i love my dad so much more than anything in this world….funny also my mum wears the pants in there relation ship now so im very proud of my dad for Changing his ways….although one of my older brothers also tried to hit my Dad but that didnt work my Dad was too strong

    But i always remeber what my Dad says to all of us when we get a hidding that he is not doing it because he feels like it but he was doing it to Discipline us…and from that i think my brothers also learnt alot so yeah brother i feel you on that one cause i use to get the beats especally cause i was the only girl in the family with 5 brothers

    Well sorry about the loss aye brother but you know she is in heaven shinning down on yah…and very proud of who you are and what you have become and also whaat you have done for you family..

    GOD BLESS
    AND STAY SAFE

    ***PRINCESS LENA ROCKS*****

  20. dang…so true.
    women so powerful yet stand to stay w/an ungrateful insecure man for the sake of her children…not understanding that her children go through the same physical blows she takes but they feel the emotionally attacks on their inner selves… building up years of anger & anomosity to the point of no return. such a common story for our maiden caretakers of our children all across the world. independence is the key! rely on GOD who will be the father to all our children.

  21. *looks above at all the alofacations*

    Wow.. you have truly blessed me with your story.
    I truly believe that is our purpose in life. To share your life’s story and experiences -- for another brother and sister to learn and develop from.
    You did what you had to do. E silafia e le Atua lou loto.
    Everyone else above me has said it all!..
    I just wanted to add my contribution and let you know.. that you have touched yet another heart.
    God bless you brother!

    God bless!

  22. OMG…

    Dre, that was a very touching story. I mean it was well written and very motivational. I loved it! Thanks for sharing ur story!!

  23. It should never ever happen, yet it still does. I applaud you for standing up to the sperm donor, and still having the heart to forgive..I never could.

  24. It’s so (can’t think of a word) how some mothers would choose to stay in an abusive marriage “just for the sake of their children”.. I always tell myself that if I was ever in that situation I’d fucking hit the fuckwit back and pack up and leave. Children should NEVER have to witness their mother getting the daylights beaten out of her. I say FUCK ‘EM ALL! If I were to ever get convicted of murder it would be because I took the life of a bastard who put his hands on his girlfriend/wife/partner etc.

    Your entry’s very touching.

    If I was a guy, I would have done the same thing.

  25. big smilessss

    Been a while since I was last here and listened to your journey uso, and look where it has grown now :o)

    You know as I walked through all of the comments here so far, for some reason, I thought of the movie ‘Once Were Warriors.’ And while I know it’s a maoli film and all, still the principle is the same there. I remembered key scenes, the dude and his ko’alua, the violence, the children, the consequences!

    You started a beautiful thang uso and that’s the real beauty of it. To step up and tell your story. And I firmly believe your story has, if not already, a life of its own and who knows what may unfold :o)

    Nods atcha bout the short film thang too :o) and why not… fingers crossed

    Have an awesome Xmas uso be safe and may your new year be full of excitement and pages to fill :o)

    Ia manuia lava uso

    Big ups and much respects from moi to you

    ONE SA
    ONE LOVE
    ONE TO THE DAYS

  26. All too familiar, it happens in every culture.

    I’m sorry to hear the tragic events that occurred in your mother’s life. I cannot understand nor comprehend how many women use this reason repeatedly as an excuse to stay in such relationships. Let alone, having children who are watching this and growing up thinking that is a normal behavior, when very clear it is destructive.

    I wished your mother had the courage to leave him and take all of you and start over with a better life. She had work experience, she would have been better off without him altogether and you would not have this continued memory of your childhood.

  27. Awww bro i can totally relate to your blog, how you feel and the actions you took. You did what you had to do and if i was a guy back when i was younger, i would’ve done what you did. It took guts, and im glad you’re mums in a much better place. Sorry about your mum though. My mum too left for the better place aftwr she was diagnosed with cancer in 03 and left us four kids.

    Your blog has brought back memories that alot may want to keep hidden but yeah, big ups to you, and fanx for sharing a bit of your life experience….

    Cheers,
    God Bless.

    p.s: i totally agree with the film commets coming in…Lol! Would be mean to see… =]

  28. AYEE,,tHANKS FOR SHARING,SORRY FOR YOUR MOM,WE HAVE SIMILAR STORY,MY MOM PASSED AWAY WEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD,MA DAD JUST GET DRUNK AND WORK AND FIGHT WITH HER,AS A YOUNG MAN I DIDN”T KNOW WHAT TO DO,I STILL HELP MA DAD N HIS NEW FAMILY,LAST YEAR I WENT AND BUILT A HOUSE FOR THEM,I’LL FORGIVE MA FATHER,WE ARE SERVING THE GREAT GOD BUT YOU NOT GOING TO HELL WHAT YOU DID,I DONT AGREE WITH HITTING PARENTS BUT CANT CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED BUT WE CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE.

    I AM NOW WORKING WITH ABORIGINAL YOUTH AND HELPING THEM NOT TO BE LIKE THEIR FATHERS BUT TO BE LEADERS IN THEIR COMMUNITIES AND GOOD HUSBANDS AND FATHERS.

    YOU CAN BE A ROLE MODEL FOR OTHER YOUNG PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THE SAME ISSUE AND SUPPORT THEM.

    DEVIL COMES TO KILL, DESTROY AND STEAL BUT JESUS BRINGS LIFE AND LIFE ABUNDANTLY AND THATS WHAT YOU CAN DO,YOU CAN USE THAT EXPERIENCE TO HELP OTHERS.mANUIA le aso,God Bless.

  29. Thank you for sharing. Your story broke my heart and got me in tears li tama, and I am at work… Anyway, sorry about your mom- she’s resting in peace and in a better place now watching over you and your siblings.

    Manuia le aso ma le weekend.

  30. Well i was all pumb up to go to the gym and i decided to read your story what a mistake because it drained all the energy from my body.Sorry to hear about your mum bro.Your story broke my heart man.I can honestly say im related to your story because i lived thru it and it still hurts till this day.I still remembered the day my jackass dad beat my mom and chased her around the house with a shot gun man he looks like hes chasing the wild pig from the farm.
    The only thing i learned from my dad is i dont want be like him.We Samoan men needs to treat our wives,girlfriends,mother of our children with love and respect they deserve it.Bro thanks for sharing your story and remember you are not alone.Hopefully young Samoan men read this and learn from it.
    soifua ma ia manuia le aso uso…. YOU ARE THE MAN

  31. hey man i bow down to you uso .coz to be honest my dad never hit my mum ,coz he knew tht if he did ware out of there ….sorry but ur life growing up with a man liked tht ….ur a brave guyz for standing up to ur old man ….malo lava man…..sorry but ur mum too . my the lord be with you and ur sister and brother …..

    god bless you

  32. Patricia, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you to you.

    If there was anything I could do to show how greatful your comment means to me, I would do it..

    First, thats exactly what me and brothers and sisters talk about, we used to blame ourselves for our mother staying with my father and we all thought, wow -- mom would’ve been better off without him.. and having no father, was better than having a destructive one..

    and your totally right, god knows everything, and i’ve listened to so much crap that people have said to me in regards to hitting my dad, I know that what I did is wrong, I would never do it for some stupid reason, I hold respect to ALL elders, my weakness lead to what happened, but hey.. I aint perfect if it does end up to be wrong, my intentions were for the love that I had for my brothers and sisters, Aint nothing gonna change my love for them

    Fa’afetai lava Patricia.

    You made me feel so much better! πŸ™‚

    Much love to you and your situation, my story is just mine, it doesn’t make me an expert -- except for..

    follow your heart πŸ™‚

    Screamingtree

  33. Wow this really bring tears to my eyes….not because I had to go through it myself but its because my children are going through the same thing right now. Not as bad as your situation but its like every time an argument comes on…then my poor children will start running like there is no tomorrow….This is the thing about us Samoans….we have too much pride in ourselves that we don’t talk about the issues that we have and share it with each other….It is true thou what your mother had to do…..but for me now….the last time is coming and I will not tolerate it anymore….My mother never had to go through the same thing and none of us had to go thru this but my children are going thru it….so to me WHATS THE POINT of having a father in their lives when they will have to grow up with anger within themseives….GOOD FOR YOU BRADA….don’t worry about what others says in regards to you hitting your father…we all understand what the bible says but sometimes there is always an exception and God is not a stuping God…..he will understand and the best part is YOU FORGAVE YOUR FATHER FOR WHAT HE DID…..But even so….the truth is YOU CAN FORGIVE BUT CAN NEVA FORGET…….God Bless

  34. I left Samoa almost 40 years ago, and I’ve witnessed the beatings of children by the parents and the beating of the mothers by the fathers. I was fortunate our dad didn’t get that violent with us and our mother, but my uncle used to beat me even for a minor mistake. Made it worse, his wife was the culprit of many of these beatings. One day, my cousin and I got the worse beating that we couldn’t go to school for almost a month! Part of the skin on my backs were gone from the repeated beatings by the stick. I was so depressed that at first I wanted to kill myself, then I wanted to kill my uncle and his wife, but I ended up running away to my parents. I was still so scared because I was told not to even think about going to my parents for they will pick me up again and it will be even worse the next time.

    And that’s just my own story, but I’ve heard many similar ones. It seems the excuse was ‘o le aganu’u o le fa’aaloalo ma le usita’i i matua’ or ‘o le alofa ia te oe ina ia lelei ai sou lumana’i’ and blah blah blah. As I traveled the USA in the 70’s, the palagis would asked, “Why did you leave Paradise?” Samoa is still paradise to me but not the paradise Christ was talking about.

    Uso, when I got married and have children, I almost did the same thing to my own wife and our kids, but fortunately I used common sense with God’s help.

    Your words bring back memories and tears of my own sufferings. Thank you for your courage to do what you had to do. But the power of forgiveness makes you a better person. I had to forgive my uncle and wife too.

    I hope you don’t mind if I post your story for my family and friends so they, too, can learn from it. God bless you and your siblings always.

  35. thank you lagi, leeny & Survivor.

    Lagi, I forgive my father -- I don’t hold any grudges or anything against him, at present, he is still the same kind of man.. I can’t judge him, but I can’t change him either πŸ™‚

    Leeney, thank you, we are guiding lights in our own different way πŸ™‚ fa’afetai.

    and Survivor πŸ™‚ Yes, I totally agree, it happens and for some its a daily occurence, for alot of Samoan issues are swept under the rug for strength of pride is so strong within our community. I know that my story is just another story amongst the hundreds that have come before it -- I’m not ashamed of anything that happened, I just know that there may be real life stories out there far more gruesome and harder to hear.

    I once felt sad about it and even depressed, but… I can’t remember where I heard this, but it was a conversation where somebody had said “If you think your going through shit, you need to realise there are plenty more worse off than you” and that brought the perspective back to me.

    Domestic Violence is out there, Its real..

  36. Screaming Tree!

    This article/story bought tears to my eyes, not because of what your mother, siblings and yourself went through (trust me I envy your courage) but simply because this is no surprise to anyone and yet this still continues, it’s like a contagious bug that is passed onto so many fathers within our community. Some wives/children maybe lucky and some are just taumented from this kind of behavior. It’s ashame that we come from a culture with value, dignity, Discipline… where does this all stand? It all stands for Beatings because they say “IT MEANS LOVE” aaaaaaaaagh cut the bullshit. We samoans really need to change the so called tradition because it only leads to DEATH as a result -- it pisses me off to think what the hell goes through peoples minds after the ordeal -- ha bet they SALAMO and then remember GOD when they’ve killed there own! I am not a victim luckily for me, but I have definitely seen through the eyes of family members who have had the same experience as expressed in this article, I’ve lost a young beautiful cousin who barely lived life but she was over all the abuse from her father and decided to take her own life for that her wish was granted “FOR HER FATHER TO STOP” … My heart and soul goes out to all who have been exposed to this… we can only pray and hope for better futures for our next generation…MAKE THE CHANGE, MAKE IT HAPPEN!

    x RIP Daisy

  37. Oh! i was so mad about dat story,cause the hes dink hes was da boss of her wife….but i dink e tausoo ai foi isi tamaloloa o Samoa…but i dank u for da nice story..it will remind me when mah dad got drunk….hes just laulauvavalea solo…but he never hit mah mom,cause dat da only women he got…ha!ha!..yeah right….anyways danks for nice story…

  38. oh what a incredible story….i just read it n it was wonderful to hear your pain uce…..just dont give up on hard thing if you know its a bad thing go for it try to fight for it……but it just n advice gather your siblings around your arm n take good care of them like your mother did to them.but dont leave your dad aside even he hit your mother n did something bad to your mother he is still your father…..its your choice uce….may god give you more strength n be a guiding light through your life…..

    much alofas
    leeneyluvsyooh…..

  39. Thank you Tali πŸ™‚ I’m so glad you left for the sake of your kids, I sometimes wished my mother did that.. but hey! I am so appreciative for everything that she did for us.

    I am so proud of you and I’m glad your children have a strong mother like yourself! THANK YOU TALI!!!

  40. uso thanks 4 sharing your life story……
    that was not a bad thng you did you had to go for it,right it was the only way to project you, your sis and your bro also your mother
    man uso i fell your pain but hey just don’t give up on life pray to god to help u through the hard way of life…..
    god bless and be strong…

  41. *Big Hug* kilifi…..awwww I am so sorry Kilifi ’bout your mom. This story really relate to me. Now it didn’t happened between my parents but it happened to me….while my kids r watching it. so sad. Your mom shoul’ve left your father long tyme before it got worse. I stay with my ex-boyfriend while he hit me for the sake of the kids…but than I realize that there is another good father out there, than will love me and my children. And yes I am a happy woman now….no more bruises and bleeding nose…..but I’m free from all that violence. but you know what LOVE is blind. or what old people use to say “FAIGAKA LE ALOFA”. But what you did to your dad, was something not only you would do to a father lyke that. Any sons will do that to their own, when they see their mom got beat up. Thumps up for what you did….you were brave and you did stand up for your mother and I knoe your mother appreciate that from you!

    MMMMUUUUAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

    YOU TAKE CARE NOW….AND THANX FOR SHARING YOUR STORY WITH US….:)

  42. Dayum, big ups to you for being so courages.. not only that but being able to share your experiences with everyone else..!! I hope everthing is ok now.. just remembaer the Lord is always there for u when you need him..!

    Much Love xO

  43. Wow Kilifi… and the best part about your story was your ability to FORGIVE!! That’s the one thing you can do to make sure that your Father’s abuse has really STOPPED and no longer has an effect in your life… he can no longer hurt you in any way -- not physically or spiritually, because you have the power to FORGIVE. And the best way to honour your Mother is to remember her in every woman in your life -- in the relationships you have with your sisters, aunties, girlfriends, wife.

    God bless you Kilifi!

  44. Thank you so much brooke! I was always taught that from a younger age by my grandparents, violence is not the answer -- and then everyday i thought, well, then why is my dad always hitting my mum? it was so confusing growing up.. and I guess everyone has thier limit… if you push someones buttons too much, there will be a point where you’ll just snap..

    thank you so much for such a beautiful comment.

    Screamingtree

  45. I cried when i read this.

    Honestly speechless. If there was a short film about your story I would be the first to go see it. Your words are truly inspiring. Even though I usually say violence isn’t the answer, in your case you did what you had to do and I truly admire you for sticking up for your mother. Alot of sons wouldn’t stand up to their fathers like you did.

    If I ever have a son like you I will feel truly blessed.

    Manuia Lava

    -- Brooke

  46. thank you so much shaniqua!

    “what is respect when u have circumstances that are the pinnacle of hate..to respect is to love..to love is to be free…”

    If in any way it has inspired you, then thats definately the best ever response I could’ve hoped for.

    to be honest, I typed with tears and after I wrote it, i just shut off my computer and pretended like I didnt write it.. but haha, i won’t get into my mental state.. haha πŸ™‚

    much love.
    Screaming tree

  47. thank you ntagaloa, I’m happy to have shared my story with you πŸ™‚

    πŸ™‚ @ short film.. it sounds exciting, I’ve never thought about it, but here’s my email islandcrunk@hotmail.com

    I’m a bit hesitant only because -- its not just my story, its also the story of my brothers and sisters, if they are comfortable, then I wouldn’t mind at all πŸ™‚

    I’ll speak to you soon πŸ™‚

    much alofa.
    Screaming Tree

  48. thank you so much tiger πŸ™‚ i feel unworthy to recieve a “wonderful” from you, I’m just being real about the things that make me who I am. I will sure be ready for our next coffee.. drive down on your next Uni break, or whenever you can, I have a few things to show you! πŸ™‚ we’ll see each other soon.

  49. Kilifi man, ur words were strong and inspiring, i truly believe that from pain comes the essence of life..i totally understand the politics of being from an islander background..and you know what i’m with u…what is respect when u have circumstances that are the pinnacle of hate..to respect is to love..to love is to be free…

  50. It is rare for me to actually read what goes on behind other Samoan families lives, we see it, and hear about it, but rarely hear it straight from the victims. Thank you for sharing your story, if your interested, I would like to create a short film about it. Email me at ntagaloa@mac.com.

    Continue to stay strong Screamingtree! I think the day you decided to respond back to your dad was the beginning of something beautiful for you. (despite what your aunts say, because I sure didn’t read anything of them trying to help you and your mom out)

  51. awww i love you kilifi *hugs* made me reach for my tissues.

    Im glad you can share this with us man, because as much as i would like to say ‘i know how you feel’ it just wouldnt feel right. It did remind me a few moments in my life that i haven’t fully come to terms with but with your story..it helps a lot. The day I can just come clean and let go of my past..*sighs* itl be so good and relieving.

    Your wonderful! and i rarely use that word lol
    luv luv luv ME

  52. OMG uso ! i feel for you ! i feel yah pain ! man you did what you had to do ! and dat was to keep yah lil’ siblings safe & yah mother ! man sorry about your mum ! yeah my mum passed away in aug 07 she too had the same thing goin for her ! buh yeah she was strong til’ she got sick *kidney failure* she passed away ! & about that end of the day ole alofa ! oh paleze he dont know how much pain our mothers going fru !

    All good uso ! you be strong ! god will always be there !
    man your story just touched my faku’s and for the tear drop to fall down ! πŸ˜›
    Stay strong ! stay fly uso
    One love RoCKSTaR:P

  53. Uso, thank you for sharing part of your life that so many of us see but never discuss.

    I witnessed similar relationships in families who also lived within white picket fences and unfortunately but blessed to have observed, witnessed and participated in the abuse inflicted on others who have a lessor status than the ”Traditional Samoan Male’.
    In all fairness traditions are traditions and ideologies change with the times -but physically, emotinally and spititually bashing, abusing, destructing and sipmly killing another soul- which is often the soul of the one we love…well thats just inhumane.

    I hope that your story inspires others to share their experiences and journeys to ultimately build support and momentum to end the clycle of abuse that alot of us “grow up with”.

    Peace

  54. Not at all uso.. it’s all good.. the real power lies in speaking up, stepping up and recognize you know? To keep silent about it all is defeat and saying more or less to this intangible enmity that they’ve got the upper hand on us. It’s a paradox, a conundrum of sorts coz in my case, from all intents and purpose from without, our family was ‘white picket fences’ stuff, my dad was a task master, a perfectionist and yet people only saw his ‘humane’ side… we kids, speshially moi, well, let’s just say I saw, witnessed, lived none of that… It’s a hard thang for me to forgive knowing the hell my momma went through. What really guts me is that at the end of the day, his supposed justification would be all that violence etc was done ‘out of love’… the biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard.. shrugs…

    Power to you my uso… respects to you from the Daytona B, representing..

    πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    Dre

  55. thank you dre πŸ™‚ i really appreciate your comment, im sorry if I opened up any bad memories -- in the end -- whatever aint kill us, makes us stronger -- and emotionally, the strength is there to carry us through life.

    from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

  56. Powerful and one I can truly relate to.. you opened up a window where I remembered and reminded of a life so like this growing up. I feel the same emotions you described. Malo lava uso. Respects to you.

    Manuia lava

    πŸ™‚

    Dre

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