I grew up in an all female Samoan family. I didn’t grow up with a Mum and Dad, instead I had my Mum and Grandma. The Male figure that I did look up to was my Grandad. We all loved him to bits and it was hard when he passed on.
All my life I wondered what my father was like, where he was, why he never came to see us and even if he cared. People were always telling me that I looked like my father, and every now and then I would meet people who knew him who would say “you look just like your father!”. I would get people asking me why I was so white, and not believing that I was Samoan. I got used it as I grew older. I knew that my father was half Niuean and half French and thats where I got my fairness from.
I started asking questions about him. I thakful that I have a mother who tells me the truth. She explained to me that after being hospitalised by him, that she didn’t want her babies to be raised around that. I understood her choice. So I asked what his family was like. From what she said it sounded like his family were not keen on her simply becasue she was Samoan and not Niuean, and so naturally they were not keen on me and my sister either. That made me angry but I accepted it. I thought *So what if Im Samoan? Im proud!* My questions about him stopped there.
When I was 14 I went to school and this girl approached me and said “I know you dad, he’s cool”. I was thinking *who the hell do you think you are* but I calmed down and explained that I didn’t know him and I didn’t care what she thought of him. Next day she comes to me with a piece of paper that had a number on it. She said it was from him and that if we wanted to meet, that was him contact number. All of those years of wondering and wishing, I never thought it would happen like this.
Mum was cool about it. She left the choice up to me and my sister. We decided to give him the benifit of doubt. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for you first contact. My mum had called him and he wanted to talk so I took the phone and all I heard was “Hi, it’s me Dad”. What the hell! It’s me Dad? After 14 years? I didn’t know what to say, but i agreed to meet him face to face.
Wow. I did look like him. He seemed nice, and had a lot of nice things to say, but there was one question that he didn’t answer the way I hoped. I asked why he wasn’t there and the answer was simple, he didn’t know where we were. I got over it though and let him into my life. I forgave him and gave him a second chance.
All was going well untill I went to see him at work and found his shop empty and for sale. That was 6 months after I let him into my life. He was nowhere to be found, no txt or call, nothing. He had just up and left without even saying goodbye. It broke my heart.
But I realised that I didn’t need him in my life. I didn’t need a Dad to be happy. Im proud to be Samoan, and have my loving famliy. They provide me with all the love I need and it’s him thats missing out. I guess if I ever got the chance to talk to him again I would say “I forgive you and I hope you and your family the best”. Im better off without and holding a grudge would just be a waste of emotion LOL. I wouldn’t have been the same person I am today and I guess in a weird sort of way I thank him, because all of that has made me stronger and appreciate my family even more. Thanks for nothing Dad…