Finding shared Accomodation,

is like finding a marriage,

with people you hate.

And that brings me to my dillema for the week, its Friday - and tommorow I go out on a hunt for shared accomodation (not because I hate my family, but because - the IDEA just sounds too damn exctiting) - I don’t mind If i find a place, the rent-free option of living with my Aunt has been bliss since my return from Samoa - but seriously, we have to become adults right? hmm *thinks about that* Ok, cut the bullshit, THE REAL REASON, I want my own space.

I love my family to bits, but in a Samoan Family, the word “space” is almost taboo to mention. 

I live in a 5 bedroom townhouse (an inner-city cubbyhole) - which as I mentioned, is my Aunties place. It’s spacious and I find myself feeling lonely when I’m on the east-wing (the run down courtyard from 1887) or when I’m in the garden (the 1 metre strip resembling a grave dugout) or even when I’m in the “family room” which doubles as the entertaining area & my uncles late night poker rituals.

but THIS is not the space I’m talking about.

• I wake up and I have my little cousin running around my room wearing a diaper on her head and trying to do a cartwheels, cute? hm. not at 6am in the morning
• The older cousins walking through my bedroom and picking out clothes, cd’s, dvd’s, socks, undies & my treasured books!
• The millions of questions when I exit the toilet (about unrelated things) by the toddlers.
• The home phone ringing like a call centre from Aunty in Brisbane, Aunty in Sydney, Aunty in Auckland, Aunty in Hamilton, Uncle down the road, Uncle asking for money, Uncle needing a lift, Cousin inviting to church, Aunty inviting to church, Uncle inviting to church function - oh and add a few extra 20 minutes to each conversation for the weekly update of thier exciting lives! haha (Oh man, don’t get me wrong - i love my family.

But come on!!!!

We need some space!!!

Oh and I just mean for this weekend, I mean seriously - if you guys do leave me - I would be running after every single one of you! hahaha.. I LOVEEEE YOOOUUU!!!!!!

do you really know your friends?

and do you really have a choice?

and is it because of them, your life sucks?

“The righteous should choose his friends carefully,

For the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Proverbs 12:26

“He who walks with wise men will be wise,
But the companion of fools will be destroyed.” Proverbs 13:20

Wise words, from the big man above.  So how do we do this?! It’s an old quote - choose your friends wisely - and hearing it I automatically imagine it coming from either from an older relative, a protective parent or maybe even from a friend. But how do we put that in practice, today.

I’ll use my best friend as an example.  Her name (will remain anonymous, since there are a few that call me thier best friend, i do not want to hurt them) lmao!.  Via “vee-ya” I met this darling little “angel” at a night-club, drunk off my face I stumble towards her and ask her what she’s doing after the club (another fight broke out and the club has to close) - she says “nothing much, you don’t seem like your going anywhere in a flash” - *ouch* “..but here is my friend Sagie, we came together..” - cutting a long story short - we ended up partying the whole night and they both became instant friends after the insane amount of laughter and good vibes and just GOOD night out - I crashed at her city pad & we just kept in touch ever since.. 4 years later, we are the bestest of friends - I speak to her everyday, we talk deep and meaningful, she pulls me up on my bullshit, and I pull her up on hers - your typical best friend.

Now how do I know if she is not the friend for me?

I don’t think she’s a fool - she’s intelligent with a dopey edge.

I don’t think she’s a crimminal - she’s an aggresive with a innocent edge.

She’s one of the nicest people you’d meet - would talk to anybody and everybody. (She’s the noisy half of our relationship) While I remain, Cool, Calm & Collected - she is the out of mind psycho.

& for that I love her!

Sound good right?

But what about her dark side?! Is she not a good friend because she occassionally does the obviously wrong thing, the snide bitch comments, the evil plans and pyscho intentions (on her boyfriends) & involving me in her wicked schemes?

Or am I just being a good best friend?

ARGH!

I don’t think I could without Via - and even thinking about it makes me feel guilty that I even brought her name up as an example, but DO YOU KNOW YOUR FRIENDS?! and do you think they are good for you?

I knew she would keep it

even if she couldn’t, she found a way

and thats what I call love.

Breast Cancer took my momma in 2005,  on the 4th of December, my 20th Birthday.

For every birthday, my momma would buy my cake, some years it would be bigger, some years smaller, but every year, there was a cake.  

On my last birthday with her, I had to go buy my own - my momma was waiting at the hospital in her  bed because her neck and shoulders were swelling after the final stages of her 3rd set of Radio-theraphy - this time, the swelling had ballooned the area around her neck and it constricted her breathing - she could only whisper, and it was 5 days over the predicted “time left” given by the doctors. 

Driving to the hospital was the longest drive, I changed the gears, and thought of my mom struggling to teach me how to balance the accelerator with the clutch, I drove passed the shopping mall and thought of mom pushing her trolley every week (while we stayed at home because it wasn’t that cool to do grocery shopping), everything around me, reminded me of my mom, and the worst part, was knowing at the back of my mind, that we were about to lose her.

The breast cancer battle, took 6 years, throughout my high-school years, my mom was in and out of hospitals - our kitchen table had random test results, scans, pamphlets and various booklets of breast cancer, always varying, always present.  My mom never kept a secret from us, (6 kids, Me being the eldest) and she made sure we were all aware, no matter how harsh the news was - throughout the entire 6 years.  We were informed.  I thank my mom for that.  We were prepared.

Yet, no amount of preparation, could keep my heart from breaking, when instead of putting 20 candles on my cake, I had to put 21 because my mom was not going to be there, to see her eldest become a man.

I held my sisters hand, and she understood - she was a year younger (i love her so much) - and it would be the same for her (and even worse, my 4 other siblings)

For every birthday, For every Sunday Meal, For every school function, For every Nappy, For every day of the week that I would ask mom, “what day is it today”, For everytime she told me she loved me & for every Promise that she kept.  My mom will always be the girl in my heart.

My mom promised that she was going to be there for my 21st (3 years earlier) and she passed away on the 4th of December 12.02am.

I still find myself in stubborn moods where I havent accepted that she’s gone, and in truest sense, she hasn’t.  She’s in my heart and I feel her around me all the time.

When I blow out my cake this year, I will blow it out for her - My momma would be proud & she’ll be here - when all my brothers and sisters turn 21.

And to anyone who is dealing with Cancer at home, either yourself or a family member - I can only say, be informed, don’t let your loved one go through it alone - accompanying on a hospital visit, check up, anything - helps.

Since its inception there has been considerable

 debate over what constitutes a straight edge lifestyle.

Adherents’ main objective is to not “poison” the body in any way.

Straight-Edge meaning, no alcohol, no clubbing, no swearing, no - anything bad.  Basically living like an angel with the occasional devilish thought.

or;

Straight Edge refers to a lifestyle that started within the hardcore punk subculture whose adherents make a commitment to refrain from using alcohol, tobacco, and recreational drugs. Also followers abstain from casual sex and caffeine. The term was coined by the 1980s hardcore punk band Minor Threat in the song “Straight Edge”^[1]. Since its inception there has been considerable debate over what constitutes a straight edge lifestyle. Adherents’ main objective is to not “poison” the body in any way. Some people in the straight edge movement embrace a vegetarian lifestyle and others abstain from animal products altogether, a philosophy known as veganism. These choices are not considered aspects of the movement but do share some common members.

Well, the devilish thought is automatic, but this idea has been exciting to me, so for the last 4 months I’ve tried to incorporate this lifestyle (im far from it) but I feel better than I’ve ever felt.

I will admit that I’ve only gone half-way, i still smoke, but the alcohol and drugs have been completly cut out - not that I was an avid drug taker & my binge drinking sessions were no soldier-material by any means.

Cutting the caffeine was easy, I love coffee, but hot chocolate has been sufficient - the casual sex has been cut out (not that I had much of that anyway).. but hey. hippy? maybe. hip? yes.

Downside; I’m still waiting to lose weight lol, but I guess that will come with time - now that I have this extra money, the only thing I’ve bought is food.  It’s time to invest in a brand spanking new pair of reeboks & do the gym thing…OOOH but Gym drugs are another thing shammit!

I just wish someone did it with me - all my friends love thier life, I’m just trying to improve mine.

Im a straight-edge-er-er.

ella - ella - eh - eh - eh.

Still not sure what I’m on about?

thats ok, neither am I. We’ll figure it out.. and I’ll let you know what happens.

Definition of Straight Edge courtesy of;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straight_edge

Everyone feels depressed sometime

Everyone deals with it differently

Sometimes, hiding it.. is easier

And today. I feel like sharing it. I feel so down and out - a feeling of sadness & meloncholy rolled into one big ball.  I usually run away from things that make me feel sad - ignoring the petty things that stab at my confidence and imprint a sense of paranoia.

Is being sad a sign of an over-emotional person? and is it wrong to be emotional? the type of emotional where it effects everything you do?

I had a day off work yesterday to try and make things better in the relationship with my sisters and I.  I don’t live with them, and the past few weeks a random text or bebo comment here or there was sufficient for me.

but now. now that I’m sad.

I want to be around them all the time, I need the familiar, I need the family. I need that love to remind me that I can’t just jump off a bridge. not that I’m suicidal, but its a form of running away.

To everyone around me, I might be the same person. But my insides are showing me a person I’ve never seen before, this evil twin that I hate so much (because its not me… its possesion) I’m waiting for stigmata to hit me or something..

eh. just thought i’d share. how I’m feeling. this morning. but I’m ok.

My sister rang me this morning and told me

my little brother has been locked up

in juvenile detention centre.

I don’t know how to begin explaining how much of a loser I feel, how bad of a brother I must be/been/am.

• My 15 year old brother who I used to fight over the playstation controls with
• My brother who asked me about how the moon changes shape
• My baby brother who I changed diapers and threw it over the fence
• My baby brother who always followed me around and I used to tell him to go find his own friends
• My baby brother, that I’ve failed.

The role of the older brother (me) is to protect my siblings, my two younger sisters and my three younger brothers. Dill is sitting in a fucking juvenile centre because I didn’t bother ringing and asking my sister how he is doing, because for some screwed up part in MY brain - i feel like everything is going to be alright.

Except for now. Except for feeling like I’ve let down a responsibility that is auto-matically given to me (not because of my culture, or because my parents told me to) but because of LOVE.

I LOVE my family & I’m cut at the fact that I can’t pin point the exact moment where I failed, because everything I’ve done has culminated in todays heart-breaking news.

-> its not the fact that he in juvenile detention (I mean, he is with his “friends” who all contributed to a rediculous fight at a shopping mall) but the fact that I LET HIM hang out with those kinda kids, its because I DIDNT give him the advice that was passed onto me, before my mother passed away. BECAUSE I KNOW my father is a drunk & I SHOULD of stepped up to the plate and become THE ONLY parent figure for him. BECAUSE I weak. BECAUSE I COULD’VE done something.

He may not be dead, he may not be hurt or injured - but I feel so low on the inside because of the FACT HE IS THERE, that we have neglected him until NOW.

I have been proud of the fact that I am able to help out my family in monetary ways, but if I could give all the money in the world, I would give it so I don’t feel so hurt right now.

I do NOT blame my brother.

I do NOT blame myself.

I do NOT blame my family or anyone else.

BUT I DO BLAME, everyone for not listening, for not picking up the signs, for not even thinking - hey, maybe we should tell our bro to focus on the important things..

teenagers (and trust me, I was one of the bad ones) are so easily ready to be lead onto different paths - and my role of being a guidance was a utter and complete failure.

I swear on my grave that I will NEVER want to feel this way EVER again, I am investing all the time I had for my friends and for my social life - to help get things on the right track for my baby brother.

because finally,

I’ve made a mistake,

that has effected someone other than me

To Dub, Re-dub, Tape & Record it,

the dreaded “taping over” your dads

Samoan music with Hip Hop..

I miss the days of Cassettes, fair enough to say that its still available, and I am a proud owner of a Sony Walkman, the Walkman of the AA size batteries only variety circa 1995.

With iPod’s and Mp3 music players dominating the portable music scene, I have to say, I’m sticking to my roots!

The real story? haha.. My best mate asked why I still carry around my Walkman that I’ve had since 9th grade, and besides the sentimental value being a present from my grandad (r.i.p i miss you) i guess it lies with my stubborn approach to upgrading to what everyone else is using; iPods, iRivers, Media Players on Phones, Mp3 & Mp4 etc..

I’m used to it! (the music fiend at age 13 listening to tracks from Metallica to Abba) and having to replace my batteries every 6 hours of listening time; adding a pair of headphones to the weekly shopping, spending hours making a “mix tape” & waiting by the radio to hit record on that new song “just released”.. it was a passion, it was my FUN.

My family couldn’t afford the luxuries of family vacations, nice cars, new clothes every month (and everything else) so the entertainment side for me, was my walkman; alongside Saved by the Bell & Wierd Science (I’m THAT kinda old)..

I think we ALL have a habit or a “thing” that we’ve always done.. since we were younger.

& I’m kinda glad that mine is the Walkman.

So when everyone watches me lugg out my music player (the size of a bible) I smile on the inside.. because I know, that once upon a time.. what I am doing, was “cool”.

think about it… do you have that?

I love my friends. And if I didn’t have them I don’t know who would listen

to my random bullcrap everyday, or laugh at jokes that I make up

or just be the dick that everyone aroundme has accepted…

Ok, point made. I love my friends.

I hate having to pretend that im not there to answer my mobile.  Doesn’t everyone have that feeling once in a while to just drop out of the rat-race (not in a suicidal kind of way) but just a break from everyone and everything around you.

• the train ride home - for me it was 30 minute journey, the sitting in a train carriage surrounded by random people in a tight confined space - and I loved it! After the boring 9 - 5 the stressful ups and downs and the dreaded *routine* that I hate with a passion, the insignificant 30 minutes a day, saved my LIFE! I had a chance to think (modern day meditation?) reflect on the days events, reflect on current situation, reflect on how much I hated my job, how much I ate that day, the stupid looking girl with the spiderman t-shirt and the wanna-be harajuku style hair (and wonder if she’s a lesbian) SEE! its those sort of mindless and seemingly boring brain “warm-down” / “calm-down” things that keep me going.. for the next god damn day!

SO. when I’m enjoying my little escape during the most important part of my day. DAMMIT. don’t expect me to pick up my phone!

because when I call you while your having sex, you don’t pick up

Now… if i put it that way…

My train ride, means alot more than I thought it meant!

*wierd*