An update from the life of Ms Diamond Cuts, from her AML blog ‘And in the Words of Leila‘
It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything – I mean something that’s worth writing about I guess you could say. But things have been well..sort of topsy turvy for me the past few months. And right now I just need a friend more than anything to just hear me out without judging me or giving me snide comments about this and that.
I was offered to interview for a job in London. Deep down inside I really wanted that job. I wanted it more than anything but I didn’t get it. I tried not to let it get to me but it did. *sighs* I know, right? I was real down about it. But I’m a true believer of “Things happen for a reason.” So I waited for the next thing to come.
The next thing was to finally “GO HOME.” So am I home yet? No. Where in the world am I? Still in American Samoa. A lot of you are probably wondering why. “Why are you still there on the rock when I can remember you saying all the time that it’s about damn time you go home?” “Why are you still there when he’s in Virginia?” Why? It’s really complicated and I’m not sure if I can ever explain it to where you will ever understand. Acutally I don’t know how to explain it right *sighs*.
Everyone of us go through life not knowing what the hell to do next. I was so sure of every step. Now I’m so unsure of what will happen next that..can I tell you a secret? I’m freaked out about it. I’m scared. I guess because I knew where my life was headed and I was always sure that no one got in the way of what I wanted and no one could tell me “No Hana. You can’t do that.” Because I did it and I proved them wrong. Today it’s a different story.
My love for Kunati is endless. Our love is limitless. It’s pure. It’s the one thing that absolutely has it’s hold on me. A strong hold, like crazy glue but with a much more stronger force. But I know that making him wait is so unfair. Even though he tells me that he’ll wait for an eternity I know it’s soooo unfair. I don’t mean to make him wait.
My sister and I are really close. I love her to death and will walk to the end of the earth for her and her family. But I can’t find myself to leave her. Just as she cannot find herself to leave without me. It’s hard. But she has her family and I know that it’s time for me and Kuanti to have our own family as well but like I said it’s freaking hard. I don’t mean to make him wait but it’s hard to explain to him just right about how I don’t want to leave my sister until I know 100 percent sure that she will be ok. I know that she will but I just want to be sure. She is my little sister and I want her to be more than OK.
My mother is in California who will be returning next month. I’ve told her a 100 times about me leaving and she keeps telling me that I won’t leave her behind. And with that *sighs* ………..
So you could say that I’m pretty much lost. No, I’m totally lost. My friends caution me about depression. Wow really? I know how depression is and how it feels belive me I’ve been there. This isn’t it. I know that I’m just lost and need to get back on track soon. I just hate feeling confused.