…::my unburnt bridge::…

 

Its often said that when you deal with something difficult or overwhelming BUILD A BRIDGE!! the point is to cross over it to say that YAY I came out on the other side?? Right now & probably over the last few weeks I’ve found myself deeper in this dark hole that I stayed in for so long & couldn’t get myself out of…

so you probably wondered where I got to…my little escapades that are supposedly meant to make people envious of the life I live…hmmm…theres always 2 sides to every coin…Its amazing though the trials that are given to make us what? more conscious of whats going on around us?? What if you just wanna say…F*** THIS..I GIVE UP?? Is that an option?? Of course not *shrugs* I know that we say it, I know we half heartedly mean it but to give up would to be like my friend who I lost when I was 12…walked out into town hall in sydney & there he was hanging in the middle of town…why?? because obviously he said those exact words & followed through on it…I, on the other hand am not so fortunate to want a quick fix, I am determined to find a light at the end of my tunnel..

Do you know what its like to lose a child? The stabbing pain to be parted with your unborn baby?? The love of a mother so excited to await her child’s arrival only to never get that day?? I have…What do you do when your so eager to start your new family & your busy with the finer side of life only to go to the bathroom & see a pool of blood surround you? How do you think it feels for a mother to know that her child has decided to give up on their journey & leave you?? That look that the doctor gives you when they look at you with those really intense eyes & you know the next thing out of their mouths will obviously not be along the lines of Congratulations, or Its a minor glitch, you know that they themselves are trying to find the most tactful way to relay the news….not that they havent done it 10000 times before me but because in the short time that Ive been sitting on that hospital bed he realises that I dont have a mother I can run home to, or a brother to sit by me & tell me its going to be alright, Im in foreign lands & even their touch on my skin gives me goosebumps because its all foreign to me & the words that are coming out of their mouths are a silent whisper with the impact of a plane that is experiencing strong turbulation & in a matter of seconds they stick an instrument up me & offer me counselling services…to them its another day, to me its another part of my untold journey that will bring me through yet another tragedy to add to the challenging deck of cards that this game of life keeps reverting to..Its all a gamble pretty much isn’t it?? I mean I can wait for a good hand but who says I’ll be capable of playing it out, or I play with the cards I have now & hopefully end up with something more significant than just a strategy of plain good luck…Im not saying I want it all?? I do want some of it…I deserve some of it thats for  sure… Im not sure how it is Im meant to feel or how Im meant to express my emotions but one thing Im certain of is that everything happens for a reason, obviously our plans are not God’s plan…Sometimes I just cry out in my darkness! GOD TELL ME PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT YOUR PLAN IS…Pointless? Some would say it is, but when you’ve lived a life like mine, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month in every year I know I should be grateful that Im alive…that although Ive been dealt a difficult hand eventually Im meant to ace something…I dont know what to say to my unborn child that I loved so much carrying other than….I hope you know that I loved you with every fibre of my body & every beat of my heart…Its amazing how an unborn life can for a moment invade you so fiercely that you know life is different…I would want you to know that despite the journey I know we both tried to no avail BUT things will get easier eventually…thats the sane part of me talking…the inner part of my soul would say how the heck am I meant to comprehend the pain that I feel, the missing sensations in my body that told me you were there? the silent hum of your presence in my being? I will never forget you nor will I ever stop loving you…

 

They make a lot of cards, happy birthday…get well..congratulations…sympathy….but wheres the card that fits this moment?? What would it say?? How would you read it? Stupid shit like that runs through my head all the time…Im trying not to be angry but why should I not be?? Yet who do I blame?? Its these thoughts that are imprinted in my mind every other moment….

For now, I cant say much more than that…Its true that we can build bridges..we can burn bridges & start a new path…but this is one of the chapters in my life that will for a long time to come remain the unburnt bridge

 

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9 thoughts on “…::my unburnt bridge::…

  1. HM -- I’m at a loss of words after reading your heart-wrenching blog. Loto tele ma ia tumau pea le fa’atuatua i le ua faia mea sili. My sincerest condolences.

  2. Deepest condolences..
    i feel hardout paka’e but that was real..

    hope the rays of sunshine will light up your heart soon.

    cheers
    =]

  3. high matai …. it is true that what doesn’t/can’t/won’t break you will only make you stronger! still, doesn’t rid of the pain. Hold on to your faith, in time you will feel whole again.

    What you are doing right here, talking about it will eventually heal some of the hurt and maybe in time you will pave a new pathway to your bridge. I don’t think you necessarily have to burn bridges, rather work on the ones we have?

    my deepest condolences for your loss … remember the Lord work in mysterious ways, so keep the faith.

    best regards
    dee

  4. Damn…I got tears in my eyes…Sorry that happend to you and I hope no mother ever has to feel that pain…You are strong for going on with your life…I have 2 kids and for anything to happen to them would….Shatter my world…my prayers go out to you…

    Much alofas
    FATU

  5. sighsssss

    looks at you and nodss

    no words i have cept to say you’ve articulated your pain vividly that i feel it..

    for wot it’s worth, let time takes its course and it is my fervent prayer that your wounded heart will one day feel the warmth of sunshine again..

    my respects and much appreciation as well as admiration of you

    Loto tele ma ia manuia

    🙂

    Dre

  6. “..that although Ive been dealt a difficult hand eventually Im meant to ace something..” wow.

    sis, I do not know anything about your situation -- and i will never pretend to understand (i say that to every other male in the world too who pretends like they understand) so all I’ll do, is hold your hand..

    if u ever need a brother to hold your hand, I’ll be here 🙂

  7. Awww girl, I understand what you are going through.
    I too went through the same thing…

    I was in Wellington, and I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I freaked… I then went to get an abortion (because my partner at the time was forcing me too) I didnt want to go through with it. So after the 1st 2 interviews… I walked out of that place & told the Ladies there “Im keeping it, even if my partner leaves me, Im keeping the baby… sorry for wasting your time” I walked out of there a new woman… I was sooo happy I made this decision, and I will stick by it… My partner thought I was crazy but I didn’t care. We had so many arguements over it, but I was carrying a person inside me, a part of me…. so I didnt give a Shyt if he wanted to leave me… I was going to do this….

    A couple weeks later, I was doing my washing at home… and I all of a sudden, I got the baddest pains, and then bleeding… I sunk onto the floor, crying my eyeballs out, as I knew what had just happened… I lost the baby… I could feel there was nothing in me.. like the tiny little heart inside me had stopped beating…

    I rushed into the nearest A&E only to get the sympathetic looks from everyone, and the faikakala looks from the brownies as to why Im crying & why there is blood on me… (ok ok I dont blame them for looking lol) The doctor rushed me to Xray to get a scan…

    The scan was the most horrific thing I have ever seen in my life. I am still shaking nowadays when I think about it…

    I was supposed to be 15 weeks, but the scan showed the baby died @ 8 weeks, and the sac was sooo twisted, that it was like a figure 8. I carried this unborn child in me for 7 joyful weeks not knowing there was no life in it…

    I had no support as my family was here in Akl. My parnter blamed me, and looked at me like there was something wrong with me. Forget that I was working 12hours shifts 6 days a week for the Fish Plant in Petone… oh no, that couldn’t be the reason…

    The reason why Im telling you this girl, is to give you hope & understanding… I fought so much to keep this baby, only to lose it weeks later. I lost a part of me that day…
    Dont give up girl… It took me a while to get over it, and I did… There is a reason for everything.. you just have to trust God’s judgement k?…

    Much Luv to you suga, and you know where Im @ if yah need to spill….

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