Following from my ‘I lied we met online’ story, I have been pretty busy with the joys of establishing a solid and faithful relationship with my new husband. Married overseas on a small exotic island that was not our mother country and we took only four of our good companions. A week away from home in paradise with my soul mate and friends. It was the start of a new journey that viewed over the glittering and endless ocean.
Beneath that ocean laid a list of questions that would test our bond began just a week after our marriage.
We have been dating for 36 months, became a functional couple in 18 months, and planned our wedding in 2 weeks. Booked our flights, invited our friends and took off for 7 days. Even til now I still believe the way we did our wedding was perfect and easy. We both come from a very traditional culture and you could say we broke all the rules, but then again we broke the rules from day one when communication was available online (hahaha). I could feel that this was making everybody nervous, the fact that someone of my calibre would embark on a journey that took less time to connect to the internet. Being 25 with no children, high education, full drivers license and of Samoan descent seemed like a needle in the haystack for some (haha so sadd that I would say that). My parents were so calm and accepting of everything I decided – maybe not at the same time but in comparison to others they did great. It wasn’t until we celebrated our marriage at a family lunch that my relationship with the in-laws was visible. This offcourse only made it more confusing yet more confirming for me, which in turn again confused me. I understand that this kinda stuff happens naturally for some people so I’m ok with it, just wished it wouldn’t make me feel so awkward. I am now at peace with my in-laws. It s like we signed an invisible peace treaty that we all coincidently agreed to.
My husband has an old collection of cheap skeletons in his closet. It shouldn’t even be worth thinking about let alone have such an affect on our relationship…but it did. You have to understand, something strange covered in teddy bears and fairy floss took over me since I got married, and now silly shit like this really gets on my nerves. Maybe I like to argue. Shit like this I have to be concerned about because it goes back to how we met. It’s much easier and affordable to date another user online, so how else do I check but to go through his phone. I’m not going to calculate the millage but if I had to I probably would as fucking stupid as it sounds. And as expected, the cheapest of all whores was all over his messages. So I skipped the whole ‘need more evidence’, ‘sit him down and ask in a calm manner’, I woke him up and told him to explain before I call the bitch and tell her myself.
Without getting into details, it was exactly what I had thought. Although he had different reasons to but I was upset and hurt that I would be put in a position to consider divorcing someone after all that had just happened. This wasn’t the first time by the way – I never thought I would have to use a word like divorce let alone getting married. My ventures and expectations of life before him had never even heard of the words – its been another hopeless and selfish bitch on the other end looking for an opportunity to ruin my relationship. If its an email from an ex asking for a 4th chance, its a late night call for comfort from a married mother looking to spark up her sex life. Oh but this was different, a single mother who was left by her husband for a religion that involved a secret arranged marriage behind her back, looking to redeem herself by doing it to me. Whether they didnt, or wanted to, or were planning to do something, it wasnt going to happen. It was merely looking for that desperate answer to confirm that they still got it REGARLESS of their current situation. How pathetic. He would sacrifice me, and she with her child for a status update.
Breathe….silence. I then found myself trying to make it work, like as if I wasn’t in the first place. I married a man who had so many people in his life that treated him bad that revenge was the only game he wanted to play, and that I was his weapon not his victim. Which was worse? Being used to make another jealous, or being the person married to someone who didn’t love me. They both kinda overlap and in many ways probably sound exactly the same, but something that was growing inside me kinda understood him. There’s no question as to whether I’m in love, but I did have to put myself in his shoes and questions if he was in love. There are a million reasons why he does love me, he just had a shit thing to handle that he made a priority after we got married. Haha that is so fucked when I say that to myself.
I had already gone through a dark and twisted secret life that taught me to forgive and forget the hard cold way. This just seemed easier to accept and move on. Crazy how being a victim of childhood rape could be ever compared to this. I probably shouldn’t have put that out there like that, but to me I’m ok. I’ve understood life in a weird way, and shit will happen no doubt but it does indeed help in the future when shit just gets out of control. Just not sure what it’s going to take to make me completely lose it and start a killing rampage. Hopefully I remain calm like I am and treat life like a lucky dip. Just quietly – don’t put yourself in a position where you risk providing amo for someone you dont like to find out…common sense.