Local Time

Its something in the pit of your stomach when the pilot says “we are now descending into faleolo” that just makes you sit up straight, breathe really deep & try to not look excited, or to hide how your nerves because you know that just in a short while you will be stepping off the plane & walking out into a world thats familiar but foreign at the same time…

This time, I walked out of my Air New Zealand holding my little cousin’s hand, breathed in really deeply & looked around trying not to cry because the last time I left life was so different & here I was walking back to come back home to watch such a big part of my heart return home & be gone out of my sight forever…Yep, here it is people the recollection of the journey home for my grandpa’s burial…On arrival, I was with with my 2 aunties & cousin from Auckland walked out of the baggage area & went to look for a taxi, being the first to arrive into Samoa meant we could take it easy, relax on the way home & kinda soak it all in.. One thing I knew from the very start was wow..I left this place single (well somewhat single) LMFAO & here I was a married woman, with my hubby in New Zealand & I could pretty much just breathe easy, I was with my family.. what an awesome feeling…in the back of my head the trauma of why I was in samoa hadn’t exactly registered yet..it was so nice to see my aunties after so long!

The drive to Lotopa was quite short, watching the changes from the airport to home was really exciting…the upgrades, the new houses, the new features since the games & after the games had really changed the overall outlook of Samoa to me & the beautiful sea…*sighs* the sea was just as I remembered that beautiful clear crystal look that just drew me in as if with each crash to the rocks on the roadside it was saying welcome home…

Arriving home was strange, there was no more buzz to jump out of the car & run to greet anyone because the main reason I ever came here was to see him..Just the sight of seeing him would brighten up everything. Samoa has this strange effect on me that no matter how bad things are & they have gotten pretty bad I can just sit in one spot look around & know that everything is ok..On this day though, nothing seems ok…I look around & remember the last time we sat here in the faleoó you pointed to that spot in the corner where you said you wanted to be buried..I remember saying, aua le koe kaukala fua faapega..fea ke alu iai..trying my best to laugh it off but knowing that it would stay in my head forever..

Cleaning, preparing, waiting for everyone to arrive. I cant really explain it, it was a blur. Time stood still, yet everything was going so fast. I remember one evening I went to sit on the seawall just to reflect. I sat there thinking, am I really here for his funeral? Is this really it? Its been 4 weeks since watching his body being lowered into the ground. I remember hearing everyone’s comments about how disrespectful we were being..but like one of the cousins said..he was always about happiness..In my heart of hearts I know that he was laughing with us…maybe not because we laughed so loud..lol but because he could see all of us together, after so many years just enjoying each others company, so grateful to have moments together & to be there to get each other through. I will never forget that about him. Its like uncle said at the funeral…his wish was to be buried in samoa so that we could all have a reason to come back & visit him, he left knowing that no matter where we went we would never leave him alone for too long…in life he was loved beyond comprehension, in death he will never be forgotten..

I came away from samoa obviously enriched by the experience of being there..to have closure..to get away from life as I live it even if just for a moment I am so blessed by my family, its that good buzz that you get from love..Its always at faalavelave’s that I admire & love my family the most because no matter what differences people tend to have when it comes to faalavelave’s everyone comes together to bring pride to their family..they put everything aside & work to the common goal…even if its just this really quick glimpse at it..its always so loving how a family works together in time of need…I love that my family comes together..when we’re sad we dont cry together, we see who the first one is to make us laugh…when one of us falls down, we crack the heck up & then drag them along…when one of us makes a bad decision, we dont say everything is alright, we say that your an idiot..but we still love you & we’ll get through it like we always do..

The secret of being in samoa with your family is…everything is local time..what happens in samoa stays in samoa, so although I would love to share all the other intricate details of the events that took place..thats between us & the streets of lotopa…lol & our granpops..cause we confessed the good, bad & the ugly for him to take with him!!

What happens in Samoa, will always stay in Samoa…

if tomorrow comes too soon

I got the last phone call 20 minutes ago, my brother & my cousin..the meeting with the doctors is over, they have exhausted all their resources & theres nothing else they can do… funny the impact it makes when its someone you love as opposed to you laughing @ it when its another shortland st episode where Dr Warner is saying it only to hear a CUT, THATS A DAY PEOPLE in front of the camera..the director signs off on his approval, the camera men start to put the equipment back..the actors, actresses, extras all take a breath & are grateful another day is over…only today? tonight? its NOT a pre-viewing to an upcoming series, there are no actors, there are no cameras, there are no fake emotions..its all real.

right now.

right here.

nothing could be more real.

The last time I saw you when I was leaving samoa, do you remember? that day in the faleoó..we just sat & talked you told me to come back soon..told me that no matter what happened to bury you in front of the house, that was what you wanted most..to bury you in lotopa & I told you, se aua ke kaukala faapega, kele le kaimi kakou ke mafuka ai pea & do you know what I thought of when the phone rang…that moment..how did you know?? I now know why I cried so much the last time I saw you, who knew it would be the last time? *sighs* thinking that just makes the breath leave me completely.

Its nearly midnight, another day without sleep, another day crying…holding on..praying for you to hold on, we have so much yet to do…Kalofae si oú kama e pele oe ile agaga..e faigata le alofa atu ae kalikogu le loko ua e malie ia makou uma…e maligi pea, maligi pea loimata o si ou afafine o loó tagi atu i ala aemaise ai le aiga atoa..ua ka fia vaai atu ia oe…

Have some rest, please wake up soon. Please dont go.

My prayer tonight is to please take me instead….

I cant comprehend life with another loved one gone…

Nothing makes sense 🙁

 

 

..::Just as I am::..

I want to yell..

I want to scream..

I want to jump up & down..

I want to show how Im feeling..

but im mute

I want you to know how much I love you

I want you to know how much its meant having you in my life

I want you to know that I always feel safe with you

I want you to know that when you say everything is going to be ok, I believe you

I want you to know that Im never scared of anything or anyone because they are scared of you

I want you to know that saying I love you is not enough to me

I want you to know that it didnt hurt as much when my dad died because you were there

I want you to know that you have done so much I only wish I could repay your love

I want you know that everytime you dropped everything to help nanna was another blessing

I want you to know that it meant so much to me to have you @ my 21st

I want you to know that I will love you long into the next life

I want you to know that I never ever forget everything you have shared with me

I want you to know that nothing, nothing will be the same without you

I want you to know that Im sorry I didnt tell you I was getting married

I want you to know that we know how much you love us

I want you to know so, so, so much but I dont know If I will get the chance so if you never wake to hear me tell you, I want you to know that I loved that you loved me just as I am

..:: Historic Moments ::..

 

Today I have witnessed history, Today we celebrate many victories and acknowledge the struggle of many minority groups that have fought the good fight & today, watch proudly in tears as the whole WORLD watch in awe, some in fear, many, such as I with sheer admiration as I watch the strongest country in the world governed by a black man, this is how I know that although our society may be going through one of the worst economic times in history, we are also going through one of the greatest times in history…

With so much going on around us, it is evident, it is imperative that we take a step towards change..Today, just as we did on September 11, the world stood watching & waiting to see what the US would bring & the change is here, its time for the whole world to follow suit…In the words of Martin Luther King, <i>“I am not unmindful of the fact that violence often brings about momentary results. Nations have frequently won their independence in battle. But in spite of temporary victories, violence never brings permanent peace. It solves no social problem; it merely creates new and more complicated ones. Violence is impractical because it is a descending spiral ending in destruction for all. It is immoral because it seeks to humiliate the opponent rather than win his understanding; it seeks to annihilate rather than convert. Violence is immoral because it thrives on hatred rather than love. It destroys community and makes brotherhood impossible. It leaves society in monologue rather than dialogue. Violence ends up defeating itself. It creates bitterness in the survivors and brutality in the destroyers.”</i>
<b>Nobel lecture, 1964</b>

The fight for change is bigger than you & I, its about a global unity to make for a brighter tomorrow.. Even on the other side of the world, I like many others eagerly watched the events of the day unfold, I have not been dissappointed, but we must remain vigilant in the fight for change, we must make more of an effort to keep a firm front & continue with the daily challenges, the obstacles that we as samoans find ourselves in at the current time in Australia & New Zealand. You are in our prayers, although we may not be related, although we may not even know each other, our culture is under scrutiny for the actions of what our brothers & sisters have us in the limelight doing….Do not be discouraged by the actions of the few that have brought negativity & hate crimes upon our people but pray for them, spend time with your children, remind each other the true Faásamoa is not about being in gang crimes & in causing violence, remind each other that we are warriors not gangsters. Fight the GOOD fight, you represent your families, your parents, your churches & villages. As a Samoan you are not 1, you are 1 of many, do not let your anger overwhelm you..If we continue on as we are, If we dont support each other in the media outlash that our culture is currently undergoing, where will it end? Today is your chance to make a change..

Prayers & Love
xx

..:Do you really know though??:..

Sometimes I pray for strength, Sometimes I pray for wisdom, Sometimes I just pray to breathe but one thing that I never seem to get enough of is the people that challenge me..Isn’t it funny how quickly people jump to various conclusions because they are not properly informed? Its not something new nor is it something realistic to hope that one day we shall wake up & think positively of everyone….Today for me is certainly not one of those days..I would say that Im really pissed off, frustrated & most of all really really amazed at how cruel people can be.

Things happen in our life that we ourselves cant explain, we meet people, we love people, we embrace frienships, families & even work colleagues…We are a people that are convinced that the best thing to do is to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until something or a situation presents itself that shows you that perhaps that person doesn’t suit the lifestyle we are trying to live. If we have so much goodness in our lives, of course there is also bad times right??

A situation presented itself to me this morning, at first I cried, not those prissy little teary moments, but I had this serious heartfelt kind of wail not because it mattered to me what was said & who it was said to but because people are cruel, it amazed me that anyone could be so cruel as to think that someone’s children could be the target of a comeback to make them look better or to raise them onto a platform when the reality in the situation is, no one can know that pain or the depth of those comments but that person..It really shocked me because people throw things around as a way to defend their actions but dont understand just how petty & pathetic it is to stoop so low without knowing anything about that person.

Its not an accident that it happened though, the whole situation, its just one of those parts in the journey where you are reminded of the real reason we have obstacles we must overcome & move past. Its an experience that we must face because it reminds us to be grateful for what we DO have & to also remember that God makes a way.

For now, Im not sure how that person really feels that caused them to be so hateful & despicable but Im really glad that I experienced firsthand just how ugly & heartless people around me can be, everyone’s claiming to be loyal to everyone but do you really know though??

…::my unburnt bridge::…

 

Its often said that when you deal with something difficult or overwhelming BUILD A BRIDGE!! the point is to cross over it to say that YAY I came out on the other side?? Right now & probably over the last few weeks I’ve found myself deeper in this dark hole that I stayed in for so long & couldn’t get myself out of…

so you probably wondered where I got to…my little escapades that are supposedly meant to make people envious of the life I live…hmmm…theres always 2 sides to every coin…Its amazing though the trials that are given to make us what? more conscious of whats going on around us?? What if you just wanna say…F*** THIS..I GIVE UP?? Is that an option?? Of course not *shrugs* I know that we say it, I know we half heartedly mean it but to give up would to be like my friend who I lost when I was 12…walked out into town hall in sydney & there he was hanging in the middle of town…why?? because obviously he said those exact words & followed through on it…I, on the other hand am not so fortunate to want a quick fix, I am determined to find a light at the end of my tunnel..

Do you know what its like to lose a child? The stabbing pain to be parted with your unborn baby?? The love of a mother so excited to await her child’s arrival only to never get that day?? I have…What do you do when your so eager to start your new family & your busy with the finer side of life only to go to the bathroom & see a pool of blood surround you? How do you think it feels for a mother to know that her child has decided to give up on their journey & leave you?? That look that the doctor gives you when they look at you with those really intense eyes & you know the next thing out of their mouths will obviously not be along the lines of Congratulations, or Its a minor glitch, you know that they themselves are trying to find the most tactful way to relay the news….not that they havent done it 10000 times before me but because in the short time that Ive been sitting on that hospital bed he realises that I dont have a mother I can run home to, or a brother to sit by me & tell me its going to be alright, Im in foreign lands & even their touch on my skin gives me goosebumps because its all foreign to me & the words that are coming out of their mouths are a silent whisper with the impact of a plane that is experiencing strong turbulation & in a matter of seconds they stick an instrument up me & offer me counselling services…to them its another day, to me its another part of my untold journey that will bring me through yet another tragedy to add to the challenging deck of cards that this game of life keeps reverting to..Its all a gamble pretty much isn’t it?? I mean I can wait for a good hand but who says I’ll be capable of playing it out, or I play with the cards I have now & hopefully end up with something more significant than just a strategy of plain good luck…Im not saying I want it all?? I do want some of it…I deserve some of it thats for  sure… Im not sure how it is Im meant to feel or how Im meant to express my emotions but one thing Im certain of is that everything happens for a reason, obviously our plans are not God’s plan…Sometimes I just cry out in my darkness! GOD TELL ME PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT YOUR PLAN IS…Pointless? Some would say it is, but when you’ve lived a life like mine, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month in every year I know I should be grateful that Im alive…that although Ive been dealt a difficult hand eventually Im meant to ace something…I dont know what to say to my unborn child that I loved so much carrying other than….I hope you know that I loved you with every fibre of my body & every beat of my heart…Its amazing how an unborn life can for a moment invade you so fiercely that you know life is different…I would want you to know that despite the journey I know we both tried to no avail BUT things will get easier eventually…thats the sane part of me talking…the inner part of my soul would say how the heck am I meant to comprehend the pain that I feel, the missing sensations in my body that told me you were there? the silent hum of your presence in my being? I will never forget you nor will I ever stop loving you…

 

They make a lot of cards, happy birthday…get well..congratulations…sympathy….but wheres the card that fits this moment?? What would it say?? How would you read it? Stupid shit like that runs through my head all the time…Im trying not to be angry but why should I not be?? Yet who do I blame?? Its these thoughts that are imprinted in my mind every other moment….

For now, I cant say much more than that…Its true that we can build bridges..we can burn bridges & start a new path…but this is one of the chapters in my life that will for a long time to come remain the unburnt bridge

 

please make it stop….

Feeling homesick…Its been nearly a year since I saw Australia..In fact never in my life have I been away from Australia for this long, although Ive spent most of my life travelling, living in Samoa for years I always went back for that time out…

Right now, Im missing my mum..Its as if Im so overwhelmed that I cant really breathe because all I want is to look in her eyes & for her to tell me that what Im doing as a married person is right..It makes me think back to all the times Ive had moments with her, the good, the bad, the ugly, the heart wrenching & now even though were an ocean apart I feel so far away & it hurts..Its as if Im breathing but not completely inhaling & exhaling..I just want this feeling to stop..I miss my brother..I dont deserve my brother but I most definately miss him, hes the sane part of me, the only one that can with one word or one look can calm me down, its always been that way..so here I am, married, building the foundations of my family, holding onto God with all the strength I have because Im scared that if I let go of him everything is going to come apart & I smile, I laugh but inside Im just crying out please make it stop..let the pain go & complete me again..

Then there is my daddy…Its been nearly a year since I havent sat by you & sung a song to you, or said a prayer on your grave with you, or lay flowers to brighten your day & people would think that I had forgotten you but YOU are my strength, when everything & everyone fails me in life I will keep striving for YOU! I am nothing without your wisdom..Its so hard to ever say goodbye to your parent..but ‘when your daddy’s lil girl & you dont even get to say goodbye its something you live with forever..I remember the day you left me, I asked you if you needed anything but you kept telling me to go home & have a rest…Why?? I had been by your side for the month leading up to you going day in & day out..just me & you remember?? That morning we had pavlovas in the cafeteria, you loved it sooo much I could see it in your face & your smile nothing could melt my heart more than your smile papa…you had started to forget & kept talking to me about your family, your last wishes, my heart started to shatter piece by piece that day I knew that your time was coming but I was so happy that you were strong enough to come out of your ward that I convinced myself you wouldn’t go..That night when we left you could have just stopped us because I just wanted to be there you know?? To get the call from my brother saying that you just left, I couldnt take it I felt every single last piece of my heart fall apart daddy….I wanted you to stay & say goodbye to me because I deserved that..I didnt want you to tell him that you loved me I wanted you to tell me that instead of going without me…I tried to wake you up & the stupid doctor said it was your after breath but it didnt make sense that my whole life you had given me all I wanted & this last thing…what I wanted most was for you to stay with me…Are those thoughts of someone that has forgotten their papa?? You are the reason I kept on going, I wanted you to be proud of me, even when no one else believed in me, or supported me, or understood why I lost my mind, the plot, my sanity, I knew that you would understand that I loved you so so so much I just didn’t know how to cope without you….Its amazing the love of a Father that you would leave me here to face the world ahead of me with nothing but a simple prayer that God guide me…I miss you so much papa…I wish that you could see my hubby…see your future grandchildren from me! see how life is now..I remember the faifeau saying @ the service…that your memory would fade but our love would never diminish but I am your daughter..I was never one to limit myself to the words of a faifeau…I dont believe him..I know that in my heart even when my time on this earth is complete not one memory of you & I will fade & my love?? I only know how to love because you taught me the meaning papa…I build the foundation of my family because even when your body had left this world your words never left me & I kept going..Im still going…barely going but still moving…

Im in this foreign land everything is so unfamiliar & when I need something to cling to its not there…I dont want to give in to my weaknesses, I dont want to let difficulties blur my vision but I need the pain to stop because I cant keep crying, I cant keep hurting, I cant keep going on like this…please make it stop…

 

the legendary..DJ MATRIX..

My first walk  is with one of my dear friends, a humble soul, a great samoan talent Henry Semou a.k.a DJ MATRIX who hails out of the Westside of Auckland NZ & who has also kindly taken up time to be the very very first interview here on the kulimagu…not only is he a remarkable dj but he is also another prime example of behind every good man is an incredible wife..(hehehe) much love to the beautiful Anifay who is an amazing support and contributor in the success of DJ MATRIX & the legend that he is!!  For those that haven’t heard his feel  of the beats be sure to get connected (feel free to drop us a line..otherwise check his talent out on http://www.bebo.com/DjMatrixM & if you have? then it goes without saying you know this guy is truly phenomenal – some really awesome projects in the works & most definately worth your while…Another Island brother destined for greatness, blessed with exceptional talents & a legend in his own right!  *wink wink* this is the insider..that you found here? FIRST! *high fives & five twirls*

Your Dj NAME: Matrix
 
What inspired your stage name?: Was a fan of the cartoon Transformers and the Matrix was a power source that controlled all the Transformers (Robots) Loved the name eversince.
 
What influenced you to become a dj?: Was inspired by my older cousin Cee who too is a Dj and loved how an original song can be remixed into another. Hearing a different sound to an origianl track got me into it.
 
How long have you been mixing for?: Professionally 10years + 2 years mixing for my fams and my own personal mixes.
 
Your favourite genre? Hip Hop, R&B, Slowjams a lil on the old school, Reggae and island jamz
 
Inspiration to mix?? Everything comes to mind when i hear a tune and i add a beat or voice to a song and try it out on my turntables or my mixing software on my PC. Most of the time i surprise myself along the way with random beats that add to the mix. 
 
What has been your greatest achievement?? To be known as a Video DJ in Australasia! 
 
Your greatest challenge? To up my game with video mixing and become one of a kind with it. Not many, if any video Dj’s that does this kind of work. So im grateful to have this talent.

Who would you most like to do a mix with?? My boy Dj Shotgunn! He’s inspired my island side of mixing, without him i would have never touched the island music. Big ups to Shotgunn!
 
Whats your favourite colour? Blue
 
Favourite song?? Feel Me Flow – Naughty By Nature
 
Your ultimate dream? To become the Video Blendz King!
 
What have you got coming up?? Releasing my 3rd DVD. Dj Matrix Video Blendz VOL 3
 
Most embarassing moment? Going to K.F.C and forgot to shave, looked so hairy and the front counter guy said “Are you Dj Matrix?” And i sad yes silently and he gave me a fmily feast for $5 lol, i was happy with $5 but felt SO shamed when i looked so hairy!
 
Favourite quote? Better living everyone!
 
Your advice to the young people who follow your mixes?? Follow your dreams, dont be afraid to ask other Dj’s for help. Im here to help those who want to learn video blendz. We need more island  video djs!
 
 
Last words: Im very grateful to be interviewed ever! Lol, i thank my heavenly father for all things made possible, Puni at High Matai Records. Im a very humble brother and looking to help others out there. Alofa’s to you all.

Matrix
 
 

 
 
 

 

Its in the moment

Its those moments that define the rest of your life that you overlook..There are some points in life where everything around you comes crashing down & all that was familiar is just there..you try to find some truth in it all but nothing makes sense…All that you wanted it to be is no more..Your heart breaks & you find yourself in tears as if in each tear streaming down your face takes with it the weight of the pain in your heart…

Its those moments that restore us, that fulfill our belief in mankind that we should embrace..those moments when someone breaks you down so badly you find yourself on your knees begging to be heard so that you dont dissolve into the floor you kneel on..when you want to scream out in the hope that the vocal expression will somehow rid you of all that has built up inside that you dont dare to share that you should…

Its in those moments that challenge us that you realise that nothing is guaranteed…that the path that lies ahead is meant to be there, its your choice that will determine where it takes you…everything has its place & its time…even though Im not prepared for this very moment its here & even though my faith has been tested over & over again I accept this moment because somehow it will structure the foundation for another turn in life…Though nothing comes out of my mouth..My love reaches you wherever I am, wherever I go & we meet people in our lives when we are meant to…nothing is accidental..Its in this moment that I am grateful for all those that surround me..I cling to the promise of tomorrow even though I know its not guaranteed to me ;) without hope of things to come..where does that leave us??

No-one knows but its in the moment…The only moment that counts is the one that your in..

Truly..Madly..here to stay..

Talofa, Welcome, Ni hao..

Welcome to my humble *smiles* abode..This is an insight into life being me….from the blonde moments, to the spiritual moments, to the serious moments..to the moments that MAKE ME the person I am today..So laxx out, grab a coffee!! We’re about to ride this out.. With eyes wide shut..all you have to do is believe..you think you have it tough?? Trust me you aint seen nothing yet..My perspective on life, love, my cultural ties & most of all my passion for music that has brought me through it all..

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.  ~Victor Hugo

so for the most part..kick it off with the musical side of high matai & go off into other random tangents as we go…*sighs then smiles* butttt..It goes without saying that MUSIC has impacted my life in a big way..my escape, my soul connection, a place where I could just be in the moment & re-focus..Its been a big part of my life & my passion continues to grow..Im the proud co-owner of HIGH MATAI RECORDS which was truly inspired by the wonderful talents of DJ SHOTGUNN a dear friend who with a little pushing is truly a legend in his own right.. basically Im really blessed to be able to deal with a whole lot of talented people on a regular basis..My vision musically is to bring a lot more young samoans to shine with their talents & to go places they never dreamed of..to attain their utmost & to MAKUA tap into their passions..we taking this global baby!! We’re gonna head the musical sector with some interviews from some of our talent & feel free to drop us a line if theres anyone in particular you want me to try & feature..!

so basically..you want an inside preview on life through my eyes?

 Truly…Madly… & probably insanely..better get ready to stay!