First of all, this is my 1st ever blog… so may God be with us all (lol)
Thanks to HGG for giving me my own bike, and not the tricycle that I was on before and to the brother Kilifi for teaching me how to ride my bike… in style… (lol) THANKS!!! Much Luv to you both always!!!
Aging on the inside
This phrase is the foundation of my blog. It explains a lot about me.
Throughout my years, my eyes have seen & witnessed so much. I have also endured just as much, that I am a walking breathing living proof that 2nd and 3rd up to 10th chances do exist & that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hey, I might as well be a cat….lol as I feel like I’ve lived 9 lifetimes. My heart, my soul, my mind, my personality, my outlook on life has aged so much, I feel as if I have another person living inside of me.
Don’t get me wrong, there is no set checklist for what a 27yr old is supposed to have seen heard or felt by this age, but there should be more left to explore in life at this age right?
But…what if there isn’t?
What if your age group is now experiencing what you went thru at age 15?
What if the excitement everyone is going through today, as they reach different stages in life… is what you were excited about (and now your over it) like 10 years ago?….
I like to help people by pulling from my experiences. But now, my friends and family are referring to me like the “Text Book” for relationships lol
I can hear you saying ‘damn you must have been sooo kaulaikiki’ maybe I was….lol (but I’m not going to admit this hehe)
I’m one of those kids that matured faster than everyone else.
When I was 8yrs old, for 3 years I was tortured and abused (sexually). Not from an immediate family member… but a trusted ext family member. This sort of abuse is unforgivable and unforgettable, well so I thought, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone….
This is what set off my actions for the rest of my life. This is what turned me into an adult at such a young age. This Is what matured me way past my age.
And this is the reason why I’ve aged on the inside….
In a positive light, it hasn’t all been bad. I was an A+ student all my life, loved going school, loved reading and writing, as it took me to a different place. A place where I could escape what was happening around me. And for once… be in control of my surroundings.
At age 14, I got caught up in the wrong crowd. I started doping and drinking, now that I look back on it…. It wasn’t what happened to me years ago that made me do it, that was just the excuse I told myself, my parents, my siblings and the Police…. I ended up leaving school because of family pressures, had to find a job to help make ends meet at home. It was good for a while, until I reached the age 15, where I was carpooling, paying bills, cleaning the house, cooking dinner and working part time. I started wondering what my friends were doing each day… then I realised “that’s right, they’re at school because they are 15 just like me” lol
Everything that bad that happened to me, every bad feeling I’ve ever felt, was blamed on those 3 years. Its funny how people say “things happen for a reason” at the time all I could think about was “why me?” what possible reason could there be for abuse? was I going through a punishment that was aimed at my parents?
I went through grilling sessions with Teachers & mini psychiatrists (they’re called mini because I wasn’t lying on those fancy chairs while I was there) my mentality at the time was “yes, pity me, pity me please…” but during my teenage years it changed to “i don’t want your pity, just tell me how to get over this” lol
After a number of years, filled with mistakes made, broken hearts and poor decisions. I finally realised what the reason was, the reason why I went through that. It was to help others with my experiences. It would’ve been nice to have an early warning huh?… lol
Alot has happened from that point til now. And as I sit and think about my life, I wonder how things would’ve been if I lived like a normal child.
Hmmm, would I relive my years again if the chance was given to me?
Probably not, as I wouldn’t be the strong person I am today…